Three daughters

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink.

On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it.

When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it.

When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

A Beautiful Woman & Doctor

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.

All his professionalism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer.

"Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting AIDS - that's why I am here!"

Singapore joke

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.
It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions: MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L" Miss USA: Lamp Miss Malaysia: Light bulb Miss Singapore: LADIO Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L" MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter "L" Miss USA: Lion Miss Malaysia: Leopard Miss Singapore: LABBIT Judge: No, no, no! MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L" Miss USA : Lexus Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini Miss Singapore: Lolls- Loyce Judge: Oh my God! MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L" Miss USA : Lemon Miss Malaysia : Lychee Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!! This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance. Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L" Miss USA : Lung (applause) Miss Malaysia : Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore : LAN CIAU!! The Judges fainted..!!!

Award winning joke in Britian

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw
Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to
him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says

"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed
your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.


In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the
Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
same."

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in
Britain.

Stress Reliever

Stress Reliever #1

Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?" ________________________________________________________________________Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet. ________________________________________________________________________ Stress Reliever # 3

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

________________________________________________________________________Stress Reliever # 4

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

________________________________________________________________________ Stress Reliever # 5

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.

"My father cooks beans," said another.

Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans." ________________________________________________________________________ Stress Reliever # 6

Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
________________________________________________________________________ Stress Reliever # 7



Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning. ______________________________________________________________________ Stress Reliever # 8



Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?

Wife replied: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others! ________________________________________________________________________Stress Reliever # 9

Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?
Answer: Because people started licking the wrong side.

________________________________________________________________________ Stress Reliever # 10

A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humour.

Wife

EVEN WOMEN CAN FIND SOME HUMOUR IN SOME OF THESE!!! ENJOY ...

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

SHARE THIS WIH ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!

"No more headaches?"

"No more headaches?"



A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those

Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To

Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball

Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the

Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his

Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes

Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With

That, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."



His funeral service will be held on Friday.

Medical Bill

A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital.The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, give your expert analysis?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, thedoctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them RM60.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make anAppointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and thenleave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married andwe can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.Shangri-la Putrajaya charges RM250.00, Mandarin Oriental chargesRM280.00, Le Meridian charges M230.00. We do it here for RM60.00 and Iget that back from "Medical Claim".......!

SMILE

Dear my loving readers,

A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift

A friend is someone we treasure for our friendship is a gift

A friend is someone who fills our lives with beauty, joy, and grace.

And makes the world we live in a better and happier place.

There is a miracle called friendship, that dwells in the heart.

You do not know how it happens or when it gets started.

But you know the special lift it always brings.

You realize that friendship is the world's most precious gift!

Share this to all your friends, no matter how often you talk,
or how close you are.

Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends
you never will.


WHY GOD MADE PETS

They help out around the house...

They protect our children...

They look out for the smaller ones...

They show us how to relax...

They 'converse' with each other.

They help you when you're down...

They are great at decorating for the Holidays.

They have 'great' expectations.

They are Patriotic.

They are happy to 'test' the water.

They love their 'teddies'

They know who's 'BOSS.

AND - They know when we need a good LAUGH!

HAVE YOU SMILED TODAY?????

It is done by moving the corners of the mouth upward.
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW.............


NOW SHARE IT WITH OTHERS, AND MAKE SOMEONE ELSE SMILE!!!

First Flight

Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was > his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of > place.

When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!"

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.

The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"

Then the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting. "And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.

"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.

Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.

"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud Booooooooot!" from the uncle.

"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.

The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"

---

Some Christian Humor

God wants us to give life a chuckle... He wants us to be happy!

~~~~~~Some Christian Humor~~~~~

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. 'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.
'Only the Ten Commandments. ' answered the lady.
========

'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,'
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.'
========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
trespasses.'
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'
========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'
========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, 'Boys and girls, what do we know about God?' A hand shot up in the air. 'He is an artist!' said the kindergarten boy. 'Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked. 'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... '
========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. 'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay. It
seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.' The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!'

His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?'

The son replied, 'I do know!'

'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?'
'That's easy, Daddy.' the young boy replied excitedly,

'It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.''

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson
was about. The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor
stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school
lesson was about. He said 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'

========

VATICAN HUMOR

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb..

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile?

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver..

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

------------ --------- ----

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

SOME HUMOUR

EVEN WOMEN CAN FIND SOME HUMOUR IN SOME OF THESE!!! ENJOY ...
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

SHARE THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!

Network Marketing Puppies

Once upon a time there was a little boy. He decided to make his mark in life as an entrepreneur selling puppies.

His dog just gave birth to six little puppies, so the little boy put the week-old puppies in a box and went door-to-door trying to sell his puppies.

After knocking at a door, a man answered and said,

"What are you doing with the box of puppies?"

The little boy replied,

"I'm selling these puppies. They are wonderful puppies."

The man asked:

"What kind of puppies are they?"

The little boy answered:

"These are Fortune 500 puppies. The best you can buy.
They are only $2 each."

The little boy was quite convincing. But the man replied,

"No way am I buying those Fortune 500 puppies for $2 each.
They don't even have their eyes open yet."

Two months later the man answers his door to find the same little boy attempting to sell the same puppies. The man says,

"I see you are still trying to sell your puppies. They've
grown quite a bit. How much would you charge me for the
puppies?"

The little boy replied,

"$200 each."

The man was shocked and yelled:

"$200 each! These are the same puppies you tried to sell
me two months ago. Why are they so expensive now?"

The boy answered,

"Well, they are no longer Fortune 500 puppies. They are
network marketing puppies because their eyes are open
now."

Drunker go for ice fishing

Dear my valued visitors,

I have received this post from one of my old contacts, which I believe you will enjoy reading it.

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center and begins to saw a hole.

All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and continues.

Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he shouted out "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this ice-hockey rink."

Hope you have a good laugh - good for your health.

James

3 things are certain

Dear my valued visitors,

The madam opened the brothel door in Hulery Wisconsin and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?"! She asked.

'I'd like to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, I must warn you Valerie is our most expensive lady. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I insist I want to see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without batting an eye, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. And there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again, the man whipped out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that! He had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Who are you and where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, ' St Paul Minnesota'.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in St Paul.' 'I know.' the man said. 'Your aunt Martha died, and I am her attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

By now, you know 3 things are certain in Life.